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What 'long-term' means after 40

By Jim Sulski When Bill married Sue, his high school sweetheart, he envisioned the typical marriage scenario: a house, a couple of kids, career growth, prosperity, grandkids, retirement and maybe even adjacent burial plots.

That was 25 years ago. When Bill's and Sue's youngest child left for college, Sue filed for divorce. Bill moved out, found an apartment and after a few months, began dating.

Things then started to click with Harriet, another divorcee about Bill's age. They enjoyed each other immensely, got along well with each other's children, and had similar tastes. After dating for three months, Harriet asked Bill if he was interested in being in a long term relationship with her. "Good question," Bill thought. "But what is a long term relationship at the age of 50?"

For many folks starting in the relationship game in midlife, long term is a fuzzy term. "The goal of a relationship is a bit different at middle age as you're not thinking in terms of the person as someone to settle in with and have a family," Bill says.

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For others, it's more tangible. "After spending 15 years in a dead-end marriage, I came to realize what it takes to keep a relationship moving forward," says Dan, a late forties communications consultant. "I now have a clear picture — finally — of what I need to be happy, and what I need to do to keep someone happy."

When thinking about a long term relationship, there are a number of things to consider, say those in such partnerships.

Kids

If you and/or your match are still raising children, long term relationships become a more complicated situation.

"One of the hardest adjustments I had to make with John was building our relationship around his three children," says Vanessa, a sales executive who never started a family.

For example, each summer, John and his kids spend a week camping in the woods, an activity Vanessa abhors. "But there is no way I could ever ask him to break such a family tradition," she says. "I feel left out but I also realize how important the trip is to them."

Careers

Careers can also confound plans for a long term relationship. Take the case of Julie and Jack, who are both in their late fifties and have been dating for two years. Julie is a tenured history professor at a private college on the East Coast. Which meant that she could teach into her nineties if she chooses to. And she is planning to.

Jack, however, is a mechanical engineer for a nearby city. Not only is he going to be required to step down and retire at age 64, he was looking forward to it. His plan — before meeting Julie — was to head south and play golf 10 months out of the year. "It was becoming a sore point as far as planning out a life together," says Julie.

What is needed in such situations is compromise and flexibility. There is always a half-way point, say those who have made long term relationships work in midlife. "It's a lot about giving versus getting," says Vanessa. For example, Jack and Julie decided they would make both of their retirement plans work.

In the cold weather months, the two decided that they would keep a condominium in the city and Julie would teach three days a week at the college. "And then we would fly down to Florida for a four-day weekend for golf," she says. "This way, we both get what we have been hoping for and we both get each other."