Her cheatin' heart
By Alan Goldsher Hi, Alan-I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for two years now. I love her and I believe she loves me, but last night, she dropped a bombshell: She told me that she’d cheated on me that morning with a co-worker. She said she was extremely sorry and cried all night, saying she was stupid and that she didn’t want to lose me. I tried to calm her down when she told me (I really thought she was going to do something to hurt herself if I broke up with her), and then I told her I needed a week to think things over. I didn’t say much after that, and she asked me why I was so quiet and I told her I was so mad I didn’t want to say something I might regret.
She has never done anything like this before and she confessed right away, and if you saw how she was crying and shaking you would know that she is sincere. The problem is, I don’t know how I will see her in the future, or if I can trust her again. I do know I still have strong feelings for her and seeing her the way she was last night was almost as upsetting as what she did in the first place. So should I leave her, or should I give her another chance?
-Pained in Pennsylvania
Yo, P.P.-
Regular readers know I usually start off my weekly columns with a glib little joke, but you’re raised a serious issue, P.P., so there’ll be no silliness this week.
One of the primary keys to any relationship – be it lovers, or friends, or spouses – is trust. You have to believe in the person the same way you’d want them to believe in you. If you’re afraid they won’t do what they say they’re going to do, you’ll question their every word, and dissatisfaction and/or anger will inevitably creep in and sour things. It might a slow souring, but a loss of trust is the surest way to put the kibosh on any bond, regardless of how solid that bond may be.
Now your girlfriend betrayed your trust big-time, but on the plus side, she owned up to her grievous error immediately, so there’s hope for her. Her confession doesn’t mitigate her cheating, but at least it demonstrates she wants to try and repair what she broke. Yeah, it might be a case of too little, too late, but at least the thought was there. Bottom line, if you think you two can fix it, don’t do it halfway. Put your hearts 100% into it and rebuild that foundation as best you can, and if you need to go to a couples therapist for help, I’m all for it. Bear in mind that if you stay with her, do it because you want to and because you love her, not because of any desire to protect her. In this situation, it’s not the least bit selfish to put your feelings way ahead of hers.
Alan Goldsher's advice columns have garnered a cult following of satisfied singles and the recently coupled. Alan—who, as a bassist, has recorded with Janet Jackson and Digable Planets—is the author of the novels Jam and The Record Haus, as well as the book, Hard Bop Academy: The Sidemen of Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers. Visit Alan at www.AlanGoldsher.com or ask him your question at askalangoldsher@cs.com.