Why women should date around
By Dave Singleton Do you sometimes feel a little like Hamlet, wondering aloud, “To date or not to date…?” Do you get depressed when a new guy is either a dud or just not that into you? Do you spend a lot of time wondering when your one and only is finally going to appear? If you answered yes to these questions, then maybe you should embrace the concept of dating around, especially if recent experiences have left you feeling as tormented as Shakespeare’s Danish prince.In some ways, it’s a noble thing to be a one-man woman. It might indicate that you have goals (i.e., a successful relationship) and that you are capable of commitment. But one-man women sometimes find themselves sitting home alone waiting for a man to call or going out with the wrong guy, wishing they had more carefully evaluated their dating options. So let me share some advice that should help your love life along.
Heed some wisdom from the gambling world
Here’s what you need to understand (it’s something any gambler could tell you): Dating is a numbers game. You have to play to win. As New Yorker Jamie Levine, 35, told me, “I don’t sit around anymore waiting for dates to happen. I am learning to get out there more, whether it’s meeting guys online or through activities.” Indeed, getting out there means you’ll meet more men and increase your odds of finding Mr. Right. While men are notorious for this — being romantic multi-taskers — the truth is, it can reap tremendous rewards.
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I advise single women to have a herd. A herd consists of several, simultaneous dating prospects. As a one-man woman, you’re inclined to put all your eggs in one man’s basket, so to speak. But when you are dating and single with no committed relationship on the immediate horizon, think of your herd as your emotional insurance policy. A herd helps keep you calm as you emotionally toggle between different guys, but the real benefit is that you don’t place all your hopes on one man. One might be a prospect, one might be a hot fling, another might be relationship material, others might be “long shots,” “newbies,” or “undetermined status.” You might have your opinions on who's likely to break away and win your heart, but a man has to earn that special placement in your herd. He doesn’t get that status just because you have “a feeling” or because of social conditioning that taught you to wait to be picked.
Learn what’s positive about no pressure
Even if there’s a man you want badly, having a herd takes the pressure off. When you don’t feel as if this is your one and only shot at love, you have a chance to be yourself with your date. That’s the ideal way to find out if you have enough shared feelings, interests and values to form a stronger relationship.
Dating guru Myreah Moore’s book Date like a Man: What Men Know about Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out states that women need a “pair and a spare,” which is basically a slightly smaller version of the herd, and a more relaxed attitude. “Once you accept that dating can and should be fun, the days of worrying and searching will be over,” Moore suggests. “You will feel better about yourself and the men you date.”
Banish “bad-girl” thoughts
Recognize that this dating style goes against how many women are raised—and get over it! “I envy guys,” says Rachel Kahan, 27, a native of Virginia. “They are more upfront about having a good time and they date around without shame. I’ve learned from that. I can do what a guy does, but in my own way. That means quieting that little voice women sometimes hear that says, ‘Why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?’ Many women have an agenda for dating and we treat this agenda as if we are headed for an IPO. I think it comes from the old belief that sex is a power struggle; the woman wins if she gets the ring and the relationship. The man wins by getting sex. We have to change this perception.”
Don’t invest too early
Stockbrokers and Wall Street analysts are always trying to judge the right time in the market to invest. Follow their finance rules when you’re dating a new man: Don’t invest too soon. Get more information before you make a commitment or get emotionally involved. You’ve got to think of men as a portfolio full of possibilities that you consider until you choose to focus on a clear winner. The key phrase is, “you choose.”
Dave Singleton is the author of Behind Every Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man (Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to You Straight). He’s a firm believer in having a herd, dating around and evaluating your options when you’re single.