The allure of the bad girl
By Alan Goldsher A few years back, for five painful months, I went out with a woman who treated me like dirt. She never offered to pay for a single meal or movie (not only that, but about 50 percent of the time, she didn’t thank me for picking up the tab), she inevitably ragged on my choice of clothing, and she constantly dissed my friends, periodically to their faces. I finally pulled the plug on this pseudo-relationship when she sadistically told me she’d messed around with an old boyfriend two or three times after we started seeing each other.All of which begs the question: Why did I — a so-called relationship expert — stick with the Wicked Witch of the Midwest for more than a week? For that matter, why have virtually all my male friends dated — or, in two ugly cases, gotten engaged to — a girl who ultimately walked all over them while wearing stiletto heels? Let’s take a closer look.
The call of the caveman
Some would say that this scenario of men running after difficult women harks back to the dawn of prehistory—and a guy’s ingrained need to prove his hunting and gathering talents. Says Liz Kelly, author of Smart Man Hunting, “Men are naturally drawn to high-maintenance divas because [men] like to fix problems. It’s a caveman kind of thing. A demanding diva gives a man ample opportunity to prove his ability to rise to a challenge.” (That might’ve been partly the case with me and the Witch. Hey, I give dating advice for a living; all I do is fix problems.)
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Let’s admit it, women who act like they’re hot stuff are often perceived as hot stuff—and more desirable than your average female. Dr. Gilda Carle, author of Don’t Bet On The Prince, feels that we sometimes get blinded and blindsided by sheer attitude. “Diva girls feel good about themselves. Sometimes even if they’re not drop-dead gorgeous, they carry themselves like they are. These ‘It Girls’ project the message that they’re worth any trouble a guy must go through to meet them or be with them.” And guys fall all over themselves to prove they’re worthy of these divas’ company.
Confusing “bad girls” with strong women
Here’s another reason why nice guys often can’t resist the allure of the demanding “bad girl”: “The guy mistakes [a diva’s] endless whining, unrealistic demands, and wild mood swings for characteristics of a strong-willed, independent woman who knows what she wants. In reality, she’s just a big brat,” says Jessica Rozler, co-author of The Hookup Handbook.
What’s more, Kelly feels that men are more likely to inflict divas upon themselves because of their upbringing. “If a man’s mother is a diva, he is also more likely to be attracted to a demanding woman because he finds it normal to jump when asked.”
The assumption that great sex is in the offing… Here’s another reason that women who act superior may win a man’s attention: “Maybe the guy has watched too many movies like Fatal Attraction — OK, that's a bad example, but you get my point — and thinks that if a woman is high-maintenance, then she’ll be crazy in bed. Even if this is true, he can’t forget that she could just be plain crazy.” Agrees Kelly, “A guy can easily get seduced and trapped by a demanding diva as long as they are having great sex.” (Ahem, this belief may have factored into my dating the Wicked One as long as I did…)
How to resist this woman’s siren call
OK, now the job is to put the observations above into action. If you find yourself attracted to or dating one of these demanding women, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I enjoy the “thrill of the hunt” on a certain level? Is it not “exciting” to date a woman who is immediately, easily interested in me?
- Am I used to trying to “win women over,” perhaps from childhood onward? Does that role of trying to earn a woman’s affections feel comfortable to me?
- Do I perceive challenging women as strong women?
- Do I think it’s possible for a woman to be easy-going and also an independent person?
- Is great sex really all that great with a partner who’s not usually very nice to me?
Alan Goldsher is a Chicago-based writer, advice columnist, and author of Jam, Hard Bop Academy, The Record Haus and the upcoming Modest Mouse: A Pretty Good Read.