Suddenly single? Ask Dr. Gilda
By Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D. Dear Dr. Gilda,I am 49, divorced, with shared custody of two girls, 12 and 10. I have met a wonderful woman, also a single parent, age 42, with an 11-year-old son. We met online and warmed up to each other virtually and then face-to-face. We have spent many romantic evenings together. I have also visited her at her home. We’ve even done a day trip and a weekend trip with all our kids. My first visit with her son was warm. However, she told me of his growing concerns regarding my presence. Mostly, he worries that if she and I "get together," she will abandon him.
My concern is over the dynamics among the three of us. While her son is well behaved, he engages in banter that I find distracting. He interjects a lot when she and I speak and makes references to her former boyfriend. This is a source of anxiety for my date and results in tense feelings when the three of us are in the same room.
I feel her pain over the lack of a relationship between her son and me. I feel that bonding between men takes time. Our only common interest is my date, whom we are forced to “share.” I don't know how to proceed with this relationship. What do you advise?
-Strained Suitor
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When you enter into a new relationship, if there are young children involved, of course, they immediately become part of the love equation. While you’re obviously contemplating a future with this woman, even at this early stage, one thing is obvious: If you had a magic wand, you’d want to make this woman’s son disappear. You say, “bonding between men takes time.” Pardon me, sir, but you’re the only “man” in this potential “bond.” Yet you put yourself on a par with this child. You haven’t even tried to get to know him, but you’ve concluded that your “only common interest” is your “date” whom you are “forced to ‘share.’”
Incidentally, I find it curious that you still call this woman your “date” rather than your “girlfriend,” while you are already considering a future with her. Moreover, you are predicting the outcome of all your kids getting along, based on just a day trip and a weekend trip—while you haven’t invested in trying to get along with this woman’s son.
It’s absolutely natural for any child, especially an only one, to worry whether his mom will abandon him if she hooks up with someone new. So this youngster is unconsciously trying to sabotage your relationship with his mother by mentioning her ex-boyfriend and by bantering to no end. If your daughters were living with you full-time, I bet they’d be reacting in the same way to any woman who potentially threatened their relationship with you. And their antics would similarly upset the person you’re dating.
You’ve got to be smart about dating women with young children. As my Gilda-Gram advises, “The way to a woman’s heart is through her children.” If you want to make a go of this romance, one of you two males must take on the role of adult. Certainly, you can’t expect this from an 11-year-old. To sing in this choir, you’ll have to change your tune. Here’s how:
- Initiate a relationship with this boy independent of your relationship with his mother. Take him out for a day, and get to know him. Go out of your way to discover his interests. Inconvenience yourself to bend in the direction of his interests. Listen to him!
- Change your attitude. If you want his mother, accept the fact that you’ll have to go through her son. If you resent this set-up, leave the romance at once.
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., has a private practice and is an associate professor at Mercy College in New York. Her best-selling books include 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. Please visit her website and send your relationship questions to her at DrGilda@DrGilda.com.