My week of picking up women
By Matt Schneiderman For one week, I was on a mission to determine where the best venues to meet women are, so I hit up my usual destinations — and a few timely events — with a bit more forwardness than usual. I learned that context is everything: Approaching a woman at the bookstore, for instance, is vastly different from approaching a woman at your best friend’s wedding. Each destination has its charms, caveats and strategies for meeting... but which places are most likely to yield dating success? After seven straight days of this, I know the answer and am ready to share it.Monday: Hitting the gym
For all the time I spend working out (three to four times a week), meeting a woman at the gym should come easily — where else can I show off my muscles? And yet, despite all my flexing and smiling, it had never happened. I blame iPods and the de facto segregation of the sexes, whereby men lift weights and women take exercise classes. For the sake of improving my chances of finding unplugged-in women, I decided to attend my first-ever Nia class (a combination of stretching, dance, and yoga). I spotted a cute young lady outside one of the classrooms and asked her whether she was taking the class. She responded that she was waiting for her mother to finish exercising. I contend that the girl was at least 18, but “waiting for my mom” is not an invitation to continue flirting. Instead, I found another woman who was, in fact, waiting for the class. We chatted for ten minutes about Nia as well as the other gyms in the area. The class itself was exactly what I was hoping for: 20 women and me. As the newcomer, I was introduced by the instructor and greeted by all the other students. An hour of mind, body and soul work can really bring you closer to a room of strangers; afterwards three women separately came up to me to chat. No numbers exchanged, but the opportunity was definitely there. The soreness I felt two days later somewhat dampened my memory of the experience, but if that’s the cost of meeting fit women, so be it.
What I learned: Forget bugging a woman about her form on the machines or talking through her headphones — the female-dominated classes are where you can easily make your moves.
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I’m a huge proponent of having fun while doing good for others, so I contacted a volunteer organization about helping out at a basketball clinic being held at a youth center. Even better, I realized, I’d be meeting women who share two of my interests, volunteering and playing ball. Such was obviously the case with the activity leader who emailed me back with the details for the clinic. I arrived in shorts and jersey, as she had suggested, and found myself one of six volunteers — three men, three women — working with 12 teenage boys. Once the drills began, opportunities to talk to the team leader or the other two females — all approximately my age — were limited, though I did chat with one during a water break who, like me, was attending this particular event for the first time. Competitive scrimmages helped build rapport between the volunteers and the kids — as well as with me and the women volunteers. Sweating profusely (the tiny gym was without air conditioning), we volunteers chatted at the end of the session about coming back in the future. I walked the team leader towards the exit, hoping to make plans to hang out prior to the next event two months away, but she stopped in front of the ladies’ room, obviously ready to clean up and get home. Luckily I still have her email address!
What I learned: While opportunities to make quick connections or to get a first date lined up are limited, it’s likely that volunteers will see one at future outings if they return, which makes for good long-term relationship-building potential.
Wednesday: Heading to Happy Hour
I hit up a bar and grill at 5 p.m. — just in time for drink specials. The place was empty save for the wait staff and, typically, the male loner sipping beer in the corner. After a fruitless hour of two-for-one melon martinis, I left and found a venue with more of an afterwork crowd, albeit one with five-dollar beers. I approached two women and asked them if they worked in the area; they offered up minimalist answers. After a few minutes of polite conversation, I left them to resume their chat. We exchanged smiles — but no numbers — when they walked out. A bored-looking woman seemed to be inviting a distraction from the seven businessmen she was standing with, but again I was rebuffed by clipped responses and interruptions by her coworker — who obviously didn’t appreciate my infringing on his group. Finally, though, three women sharing a bar table engaged with me when I asked for a female opinion on whether my friend should confront a mutual acquaintance about a potentially unhealthy relationship. They readily offered their advice and conversation smoothly transitioned to other subjects. By this point — about 7:30 p.m. — the bar was full; I’d had about four beers and was finding it easier to approach women, but harder to concentrate on the conversations. I spoke with one other group of women with whom I exchanged contact info and left. Two days later, I emailed to make plans with one of the women I met; we decided — you guessed it — to meet at a bar after work.
What I learned: The bar scene is a “meet” market requiring direct approaches and quick judgment. Certainly, afterwork bars offer up a variety of women — women out with their coworkers looking to unwind, women out with their boyfriends or on dates, and women looking to meet guys. Within 30 seconds of initiating conversation with a smile and a comment about the bar, I could tell which was which; within another three minutes I could tell whether there was any interest. And by 10 minutes I either had a phone number, email address or an excuse to move on.
Thursday: Hanging out at the dog run
How I envy dog owners! Not only do they have constant canine companionship, but their pets make for excellent girl-bait. Better still, dog people connect on sidewalks, in parks and at dog runs with other dog people, people I definitely wanted to meet. Feeling like only a minor faker, I borrowed a friend’s speckled Dachshund and spent an afternoon walking/pulling him to a nearby park and letting him tear around a popular dog run. Milo, the Dachshund, elicited lots of attention: He’s adorable, and nearly every woman who came near us stopped to coo and pet him. Brief conversations on the street followed easily, though they were too short for me to segue into a proposition for meeting up without the pooch. The dog run presented better opportunities, as dog owners could release their charges and talk to each other — about their dogs, of course. I had a pleasant exchange with a gorgeous woman after scolding Milo for mounting her Maltese; my embarrassment notwithstanding, Milo’s amorous behavior was a perfect excuse to initiate conversation. Unfortunately, she told me she had a boyfriend when I asked for her number. Still, I had a walk back to my friend’s apartment with a surefire babe magnet at the end of a leash to look forward to, so the rejection didn’t faze me much. It was more of the same for the remainder of my time with Milo — lots of smiles and awws — and despite not getting any numbers, I felt great about my prospects for next time… after I’ve adopted my own dog!
What I learned: This was a departure from my other experiences meeting women in that they approached me; the hardest part, initiating a conversation, was done for me, allowing me to naturally segue into other topics — like whether she lived nearby and how often she came to the park. With a regular schedule of dog walking and running into the same women, it would only get easier to chat these girls up.
Friday: Stopping by a pal’s party
My close friend Michael — we’ve been roommates five of the last ten years — went all out to celebrate his 30th birthday, renting out a space, and hiring a DJ and a caterer. We know a lot of the same people, though I hadn’t seen many of our common friends who were at the party in years; others I had never spent much time with. I took his birthday as an opportunity to get to know his female friends better. Introductions were breezily easy; I could always count on a mutual acquaintance to get us talking together. I discovered I had a lot in common with these women — they are Michael’s friends, after all, and share some of the same traits I like about him. Often, I had to make an effort to extricate myself from each conversation in order to speak with the other girls there. Getting friendly definitely paid off, as I left knowing I’d be in touch with at least three women I very much wanted to see again. I got in touch with one the next day; we recently went out for a second (great) date. As you might guess, I think parties are a perfect way to meet someone.
What I learned: A close friend’s party is as excellent an opportunity to meet potential mates as I was likely to find. With all the advantages of a setup but without the awkwardness, built-up expectations or drawn-out conversations — plus the possibility of multiple connections — there’s no excuse for not meeting my friend’s gal pals.
Saturday: Celebrating at a wedding
Those Wedding Crashers are onto something: Weddings really are terrific places to meet women. I drove four hours to attend the nuptials of my best friend from college, excited by the prospect of a fun time and single women. I looked my best, dressed in a suit. I entered to find a roomful of well-put-together attendees of all ages, all smiling — and at least six approachable women. At the reception, conversations started easily thanks to the common link of the happy couple — just being there vouched for my decentness. I may have gone a bit overboard by kick-starting the dance party when I took my friend’s mom out for a spin, but not only did I elicit smiles from all the women I wanted to talk to, but I was introduced to the cute cousins immediately after the song ended. Approaches were simple from then on, as single women clumped together and were eager to meet dance partners. I could chat up a few standing off to the side or offer to take the picture of a group in between songs. Alas, the reception ended at midnight and local guests — including the two women I was most interested in — went home; I returned to my hotel, where I was sharing a room with a friend. Brunch the next day gave me another opportunity with one of the girls, though—an attractive, intelligent co-worker of the bride. We definitely hit it off, and when she was in my town visiting friends, we met up.
What I learned: There were a few drawbacks to meeting women at a wedding — out-of-town guests meant limited opportunities for me to expect second meetings, and lots of the female guests brought dates — but overall, it’s no wonder so many successful couples say they met at a wedding.
Sunday: Browsing at a bookstore
A rainy afternoon, I hoped, meant that many single women would have the same idea I did: Time to curl up with a book. The bookstore was indeed bustling when I walked in — dozens of men and women of all ages perusing the aisles for something to read, or camped out poring over a potential purchase. I made a beeline for my favorite section, figuring I’d be most attracted to fellow fiction-readers. Oddly, the literature section was nearly empty; evidently few people linger over books that aren’t in the “New Arrivals” piles near the door. I tried the magazine racks, hoping some woman would grab the same copy of my favorite title just as I was reaching for it, but after 15 minutes of flipping through US Weekly, I knew such serendipity wasn’t forthcoming. Unable to bring myself to interrupt anyone seemingly focused on reading, I found a pair of grad students studying in the bookstore’s café and asked them if the wireless was free. (It wasn’t.) We chatted and realized we knew a couple of people in common before exchanging contact info. Still, if it hadn’t been for the café, I would’ve come up empty.
What I learned: Bookstores are pickup places for guys with big cajones — or at least a good line.
What you can learn from my week: My success during my week of outings became much less about how many women were present than about how comfortable I felt approaching any one woman or group of women in a given situation. Singling out someone in the middle of a workout or while browsing books could be the way to go for some guys, but I much preferred approaching women at my friends’ wedding and party, where guests expected to meet new people. Ultimately, I had the most success with women I had some connection with — whether we shared acquaintances or a love of volunteering, exercise or dogs. No matter what the context, that kind of connection is what makes for a great pickup opportunity.
Matt Schneiderman has written for Stuff and Giant. For the female perspective, read My week of picking up men.