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Interfaith dating at the holidays

By Margot Carmichael Lester You and your date are of different faiths. Most of the year, that’s not an issue, but now that the holidays are in full swing, can you avoid conflicts? Sure. Here are five tips for surviving the holidays when you and the apple of your eye are of different faiths.

1. Start a dialogue. “Most of us, growing up in a media-savvy world, have watched other customs on television, thus learning a bit more about different practices,” says F.M. Kane, business director for ONE: The Digital Dialog/Publication, an online publication that compares the three major Western religions. “The most common cause of conflict is the miscommunication between faiths. Communication gaps are best resolved not only by talking openly and with knowledge of one’s own holiday customs, but by listening carefully and discussing the differences in a non-condescending, non-threatening way.”



2. Practice acceptance. “I think maybe the hardest thing to do around the holidays is to practice acceptance of different beliefs and traditions,” notes Robyn Layne, a pagan in Seattle. “With all the talk of the so-called War on Christmas, it can be hard to tell someone new that you don’t ‘do’ Christmas. But setting judgment aside and practicing acceptance instead can help us all learn more about different forms of worship and maybe create a set of holiday rituals that’s all our own.”



3. Manage expectations. “Every family has different traditions, so share how yours celebrates so your partner can manage his or her expectations,” suggests Logan Levkoff, a New York-based relationship expert. “Discuss if your partner wants to be involved in your traditions, but be respectful if he or she isn’t ready.” Same goes for you: “If the religious components of your partner’s holiday make you uncomfortable, find other meaningful things to do during that time.” For instance, if you don’t feel comfortable going to church, pass out toys at a hospital.”



4. Spread the good word. “The person that you are dating may understand very well that you are of a different faith, but many of his friends and family just don’t get it,” says Elaine Bloom of Maplewood, NJ. “For instance, they may assume you will want to go to church with the family and participate in the service and don’t understand when you are reluctant or just don’t want to do it. They may ask about your Christmas tree and when you open presents and that kind of thing. If it’s not your holiday, it can be very awkward.” So either have your date fill in his or her friends and family in advance, or come up with a way of communicating this that feels comfortable—“Oh, actually I don’t celebrate Christmas; I’m (fill in your religion here)” can work well.



5. Give a little. “It’s important to compromise without forcing the other person to give up his or her beliefs,” says Hemant Mehta, author of I Sold My Soul on eBay. An atheist, he dated a Catholic woman for a couple of years. “While we didn’t go to church, I don’t think that would have been a problem for me if it meant a lot for her to go.” Sometimes there are ways you can join in the other person’s celebration that won’t compromise your faith (or lack thereof), and vice-versa. It should be a matter of each partner finding a way to support the other.

And should conflict rear its ugly head despite your best efforts? Consider this: “Conflict only exists when I am stubborn, think my way is the only way, or get too concerned about appeasing my family rather than staying conscious of my ultimate goal. And that is having a wonderful, peaceful, cooperative relationship with my partner,” says Lori Marcoux, co-founder of Extraordinary Learning, a personal and professional coaching consultancy in Seattle. “I want to choose what is best for my relationship with my partner without offending too many family members on either side. I also hold everyone as resilient and perfectly capable of rebounding from any disappointment regarding my choices or my partner’s choices.” Adopting that approach can help you glide past any dicey holiday disagreements this winter.

Margot Carmichael Lester also writes the Ask Margot advice column. Send your faith-based dating questions to AskMargot@match.com.